Reflection

Yes, it is the middle of the year.  Very soon social media feeds will begin the weekend countdown to  Rather than fall into this annual spin, mid-year is an opportunity to reflect on the first half of the year and choose an area that could be improved upon in the second half.  Being the middle of winter, grumpiness reigns in many homes and board rooms, so some kindness to oneself in this regard is recommended.

Christmas and the headlong rush toward the end of the year will be set in motion.

The beginning of the year tends to start with [often unrealistic] ambition and energy which subtly wanes into complaisance.  This complaisance runs through our relationships as well and is the focus here. 

Reflecting on the past six months, what role(s) have you played in your personal and professional relationships?  Have they all been positive?  Have they all been necessary?  Most importantly, did the role(s) sit well with your sense of who you are as an individual?  We all know the common sayings around hindsight, but it makes an excellent reflection tool as much as it does a self-beating one.  Chances are there are some negative patterns that are being repeated in relationships – some knowingly, others not – the key is to get to the bottom of why and make those moments of reflection more positive.

Exams

Without going into a debate about whether exams are really necessary, or if they really prepare anyone for the pressures of the working world, let us focus here on what can be done during this time to make it easier on the family.

Despite what the exam writing child may feel, this time is stressful for everyone in the house.  Anyone feel like a trip out for hot-chocolate?  Forget it – exams are being studied for.  Want to have some friends round for dinner?  Forget it – exams are being studied for so early nights are important.  In many households, much comes to a standstill to make studying easier for the child(ren) writing exams.  While it is noble, it may not necessarily be the best idea.  Having time away is important for reflection and general good mental health which benefits studying.  (This is not to be read as “socialising is more important than studying”).

Once the basics have been covered – good diet, sleeping well, suitable study space – it is important for studiers to create their own timetable of what to study when.  Some schools will provide a timetable for children but it does not take into account which subject(s) your child needs to spend more time on, or which days there are extra-mural or family activities which shorten the available studying time.  Dotting this timetable around the house lets others know when studying is taking place and that this Saturday is a very full day so it is best to decline the invitation out without having a big family discussion (which would make the non-studiers feel less important, and the studiers feel that exams are ruining their life).

Breaks are vital to studying and should be taken every twenty to fourty minutes depending on concentration span.  Sitting for two hours straight is not as productive as it looks.  A break should be time enough to get something to eat (if necessary), drink something (preferably) and go to the toilet (to avoid this being used as a procrastination tool).  Jumping jacks outside, or a run around the house will get the circulation going and improve mood – and it is definitely easier to study when not in gloom-mode.  (This is not to be read as a half hour gym exercise that requires a half hour recovery time).

When the exams are over, it may be time to seriously look at what is covered in a week and set aside some time to do regular revision notes so there is less preparation to do before the studying starts for the next exams.

Normal

“We’re just a normal family.”

“She doesn’t behave like a normal five-year-old.”

“I wish he would speak in a normal voice.”

What is normal?

This word comes with such a loaded connotation of a certain standard that is easily attained.  It is just as loaded with the connotation that anything not meeting that standard is abnormal, and no-one wants to be abnormal because it implies they don’t “fit in” and soon as they don’t fit in, they are destined to live a lonely existence.

We need to be careful about chasing a “normal” life to be happy.  Although the dictionaries have fairly consistent definitions for the word, people don’t.  “Normal” differs from culture to culture, home to home, and person to person and it is common to think our way of doing things is the normal way.  This creates a great deal of conflict in the workplace where we have little control over the people we interact with; but it also plays a role within friendships and families.

As relationships evolve and new milestones are met, we share more of ourselves and learn about ourselves in new situations.  Always assuming what we do is perfectly normal.  When this normality is challenged, it can throw quite a bit of the relationship off-kilter.  Often times we can reconcile the differences and find bring the other person(s) over to our side of normal and sometimes we create a whole new version of normal – without giving it another thought.

Sometimes though, it is more difficult to reconcile these differences of normality and here counselling can be a great help.

Listening for Purpose

As mentioned in a previous article on “listening”, doing it properly is no easy feat.  It requires   If we are in “the zone” of actively listening to a friend or family member having a difficult time, chances are they will feel better, even if it is only momentarily, but the listener is often left in a flurry, or a heap.

undivided attention, not only to the words but the tone of voice, body language and facial expressions.

The bad news is, “the zone” was probably just a little to the left.

As listeners, we tend to get caught up in offering solutions or trying to make the speaker feel better.    Often times, the friend or family member in a difficult time, needs to vent; neither solutions nor a pep talk may be sought, yet that is exactly what we aim to do.

While this is noble, the listener may feel taken advantage of – especially if the solutions offered require time and energy from the listener beyond the conversation.  When we are actively put in a listener role, we have the responsibility – both to ourselves and the speaker – to determine what our purpose is.  This can be done through a direct question, or by careful listening for cues. 

It is important to identify our roles in each conversation to ensure we do not feel taken advantage of and the listener feels supported in the way that is most needed at that time.

Back to Work Blues

“I need a holiday!”

This phrase is coming up quite a bit lately, and it’s coming from people who have spent a little over a month back at work.  It comes with much eye-rolling from spouses and colleagues and is assumed to be said tongue-in-cheek.  Except it’s not.

While most feel a twinge, or something stronger, of something when going back to work after a break, it should lift at some point.  Barring those going into a new position, department or company; or dealing with a colleague who is not returning, those “back to work blues” should be replaced by a comfortable routine.  If this is not the case, some investigation is required.

After ticking the boxes of all the must haves such as sleep and food, it is time to consider whether those blue feelings are only associated with work, or if it is a general theme.  A general, pervasive down feeling is indicative of poor, or a decline, in mental health (mental health is the more technical term for our feelings and coping strategies).  Often one event, such as going back to work, acts as a trigger toward feeling down and we tend to associate the feeling with the trigger, despite the fact that the feeling has migrated into other areas of life. 

Considering we tend to spend a great deal of time at work, it is common to think that this alone is the source of feeling down; taking stock of those emotions, their triggers and the areas they infiltrate can help determine if it really is just work blues or if some greater self-care is needed. 

Maintaining Relaxation

Many people experience the ‘Sunday blues’ where the end of the weekend brings a sense of sadness. massive difference.  How can we maintain those carefree feelings throughout the week, month and year?

For those prone to this experience, the end of a break from work can be a bit more painful.  Logically, there is no difference between this Wednesday and the one from two or three weeks ago – apart from the scenery perhaps.  Emotionally though, there is a

Take the time to think back to your time away from work, what was it that made the time so special?  Ok, apart from being away from work, what made it so special?  Barring the holiday you may have gone on, those special things are available to you throughout the year.  Granted you may not be able to do as much on a whim during the week but planning your week to include what makes you happy can free the weekends for those whimsical ideas.  If you tend to be a bit of a social hermit during the work year, consider why this is the case and challenge yourself to schedule a weekly or monthly ’contact’ with someone – with technology even your overseas special people are reachable for a cup of coffee.  It may seem counter-intuitive but working non-stop does not make you more productive.

If being away from your work space truly was the sole thing that made your break special, you may need to consider making some changes – whether it be to personalise your work space, ask for a raise, change your working hours, move to a different department, change companies or even careers entirely (with the latter being the most challenging).  While not everyone is smitten with their jobs, if there are no elements of satisfaction, the year will be very long.

It may also be time to consider changing what you tell yourself about the year:

December should not be a reward for working yourself to the bone – reward yourself often, healthily.

December is not an end – it’s a break: viewing December as an end sets your emotions up for disappointment.

The End of the Year

Regardless of whether you are spending the time with family, friends or yourself; at home, on holiday or at the office, this time of the year is stressful.  The change in routine and more time spent in different circumstances, is enough to rattle most, whether you are looking forward to the upcoming season or not.  And bear in mind that if this rings true for you, it is likely to ring true for at least some of those around you, which means there will be stressed people around stressed people.  Ah, the things movies are made of.

While it may be tempting to slip into the ‘responsibilities’ of the season (whatever they may be for you), ensure some quiet time to yourself over the next few weeks, preferably in between the bouts of activity to allow your body and mind to settle.  This is not the time to make up for all missed social events and holidays in the year.  As with life in general, it is vital to maintain balance.

If you feel yourself becoming frayed along the edges, be kind to yourself and consider that those around you may be feeling the same.  Give some thought to how you can notice the beginnings of becoming frayed and ‘quick needs’ that must be met to bring calm again: specific music prepped on the iPod; favourite tea stocked, etc.

If you will be around children, have nap spaces available.  They thrive on routine and while they may be thrilled that there is no school and there is more flexibility, they are easily overstimulated and overwhelmed.  An afternoon nap will do them wonders.  It works for adults too.

Slow Down

“Mindfulness” is a term that is found in abundance of late, and has become synonymous with another

catch phrase: being present.  Although the one is far more than the other, both can be difficult to implement and maintain long term.  And because of the connotations behind these words – being closer to family, more understanding etc – not achieving these goals can result in feelings of guilt.

I suggest starting smaller, with a simpler process of slowing down.  This is especially important at this time of the year when the end-of-year-brain-drain affects almost everyone.  Attentions are divided between completing end of year projects, children’s exams, holiday planning and general tiredness.  Rather than applying this in an all or nothing way, choose a few areas in your life where control seems to be slipping away.  Something as simple as sleep.  As the to-do list balloons at this time of the year, scheduling your needed hours of sleep can make all the difference to your mood and productivity.

One of the greatest areas to slow down is our thoughts.  Easier said than done (I know), but segmenting your day to allow for time to ponder on your holiday destination, or google that all important end of year recipe will pacify that thought for the mean time and give you the focus to get the other jobs done.  Another way to slow down is to use your daily travel time to listen to music you enjoy rather than the radio, or listen to an audio book; turn your phone on silent so you are not tempted to check if a notification is important, or just sit in silence.  Or use this time to brainstorm ideas out loud and record your thoughts.

None of the above may apply to your life; we all need to look at what works for us, as an individual. But slow down.  Where you can.

School Readiness

It seems that with every passing year December seems to arrive quicker.  Admittedly I too have been caught a bit off guard this year and this post on school readiness should have gone out two months ago.  I am not alone here as there has only now been an influx of school readiness assessments.

The final term is generally daunting as little ones begin to understand more and more the move that will happen in the new year; even if they are staying within the same school, there will be a shift to another part of the school, a new uniform, a new bag – lots of newness.  Which applies to the parents too: whether it is your first child or not, the move into grade one is big.  Apart from all the talk and shopping about the new year, the final term is filled with assessments to ensure the littlies are ready.  What happens to those who are not?

Generally, an independent school readiness assessment is suggested to find out where the underlying pitfalls may be (poor colouring may be due to poor fine motor development, lowered muscle tone, eye sight, motivation or simply just not an activity that is enjoyed). The scoring procedures are used to determine objectively where a child’s current level of development is and options provided to overcome or at least close the gaps between age and performance.

Parents are often upset to be told late in the year that there is a possibility their child will not be ready for grade one the following year.  Unfortunately, it is a difficult course to navigate because a few months makes a huge difference in a young child’s development and areas which may have been identified as weak in April, are found to be within age appropriate ranges in September.

There is a tendency to focus on the academics, however, the emotional and physical development are just as important.  Children who are emotionally young tend to struggle with the volume or pace of work, even if they are cognitively capable; the more structured environment with less free time may also be difficult for them to accept.  Children who are less co-ordinated may also struggle with the pace or volume of work as their little bodies tire more quickly than their peers; they may be less co-ordinated and battle with the games at play time resulting in disagreements or avoidance of the game.  This last example may result in feelings of isolation or not ‘fitting in’ which, if perpetuated, can negatively impact on the academics.

Knowing where your child is emotionally, cognitively and physically can make the rest of this fascinating, exciting, scary time a bit more manageable.

Some Counselling Myths

Counselling still has a bit of a bad rap and I would like to debunk a few myths I have heard of late.

Myth 1: Counselling is (very) long term.

Counselling can be relatively short term – it depends on the issue at hand.  Dealing with a stressful work colleague, for example, needn’t result in months of counselling.  There are different facets to counselling and one of them is termed psycho-education where information is provided within a specific context to enable clients to make more knowledgeable decisions, or better handle similar situations differently in the future.

Myth 2: I have to talk about my past.

This again will depend on the issue at hand, but also on the counsellor’s training and theoretical model from where they operate.  There are theories that focus entirely on the here and now; and on the other end of the spectrum there are those who find benefit in resolving the past in order to resolve the present.  This is something you can ask when first making the appointment.

Myth 3: Counselling is very expensive.

The cost of counselling varies depending on the qualification of the person you seek counselling from.  Psychologists, Registered Counsellors, Social Workers and Lay Counsellors are able to offer a different level of service and therefore charge accordingly.  As with any profession it is important to check the health provider’s credentials.

Myth 4: If all I am going to do is talk, can't I do that with friends?

Absolutely.  Discussing pertinent issues with friends and/or family suggests a steady and reliable support system which is vital to overall mental health.  However, while a good winge or cry often makes us feel better, if the matter is a more serious one, this is a temporary fix and may result in us becoming “that person who always talks about the same thing”.  Counselling involves talking, but it is guided and solution oriented – where you identify possible solutions (and therefore consequences) for yourself.    Which is far more empowering than following a well-meaning friend’s suggestion to put a laxative in your stressful colleague’s coffee.

Boundaries

Boundaries can be difficult to establish, for a variety of reasons: for some, the thought of boundaries is selfish while for others defining the boundaries is the challenge.  Once defined and correctly implemented though, boundaries can assist in creating calm as expectations are managed for all involved.  While it may appear the job is done, setting boundaries is not a once off task. 

As relationships evolve, professional and personal, boundaries will need to be adjusted - either relaxed or made more stringent.  Consider a friendship: it would be less acceptable to contact a new acquaintance late in the evening for a chat but more acceptable in a long-standing friendship where this boundary has become more relaxed.  In a working relationship, regular lunch colleagues may need to create stricter boundaries around their lunch time if superiors feel the interaction is becoming inappropriate.

However, even where relationships are in a state of continuation, boundaries must be revisited.  Humans are creatures of habit and we tend to slip back into old routines - sometimes despite our best efforts.  Generally, this decline into the old and familiar is subtle and we are unaware of it, waking up one morning wondering how everything got so out of control.  Again.

It is important to revisit your boundaries regularly and consider whether they need to be adjusted or reconfirmed or even recreated entirely.  

Listening

“Are you listening to me?” 

“Yes! I heard everything you said!”

Nope, you didn’t.  Hearing is done with the ears, but listening is done with so much more.

As a simple example, listening allows us to understand sarcasm.  The phrase – “how wonderful” – can be interpreted very differently because of the tone of voice and the smirk that may accompany the phrase.  Because sarcasm is usually harmless and forms a common part of our day, many of us are well tuned to it, so missing the facial expression (if our back is turned) doesn’t mean we miss the sarcastic comment as we recognise the tone of voice.

Unfortunately, when it comes to more serious matters – which are tackled less frequently – we are not as in-tune and miss much of what is being shared.  These serious matters tend to make most people uncomfortable so we tackle the issue while doing other things, cooking for example.  Even if we are brave enough to request a talk without distraction, the paintings on the wall or the coffee cup in-hand, suddenly become a far easier focus.   Averting our eyes results in poorer listening as those subtle facial expressions are vital because they are less easy to control than the tone of voice. 

Communication between people is very complex.  However, practising listening by looking at the person who is speaking and acknowledging their tone of voice, facial expressions and body language may result in greater understanding of the emotion and intention behind what is being said.  With greater understanding comes an ease to how to respond – make a joke, say how sad that sounds, or simply nod your head.  Apart from making us a better listener in those difficult-to-have important discussions, actively listening can make even light chit-chat flow with greater ease.

Time Management

Time. 

We never seem to have enough of it.  And that which we do have is often underutilised.  Of all the resources we have to manage, time is the most difficult, partly because we have to utilise the very resource we are trying to manage, to manage it. 

Perhaps one of the biggest time-wasters is a tool which claims to help with time-management: the to-do list.  While it seems perfectly logical, to-do lists can quickly evolve into something anxiety provoking as the number of items increases as the day or week progresses.  The thought that crossing an item off the list would provide a sense of accomplishment is seldom true as most people are in a constant state of catch-up, adding more items than are crossed off.

As “the list” comprises tasks that need to be completed today, or this week, they are done in spare time (but we make the list to manage our time…?)  Imagine a day full of meetings and a to-do list (in those helpful side columns of a diary) consisting of ten items: there simply is no time to do those tasks on that day.

The to-do list should be a start of a plan, not the plan itself, because simply knowing what tasks need to be done does not help if they are not scheduled into the day.  And with most people fulfilling multiple roles in a day, chunking those tasks is equally as important as scheduling them into the day.

Chunking and scheduling tasks to maximise the time in the day will take some practice; however, if after a few weeks those tasks are still being passed on to the following day, it may be time to reorganise – or reprioritise – the multiple roles one is expected to maintain.

Seeking Counselling

As progressive as we consider our society to be, there is still a perception that things must be really bad to seek counselling; after all, if it wasn’t you could fix it on your own (which is really difficult when you are not too sure what it is).

Let us apply that to an analogy shall we: if your fridge develops an odd hum, or leaves a puddle at the foot of the door, you would call an electrician.  Would you wait to see if it fixed itself?  Unlikely.  Would you attempt to fix it yourself?  Maybe – what could possibly go wrong with Google by your side.  Failing a DIY fix, you’d call someone out to look at the fridge, because ignoring the problem might result in a greater one and potentially a dustbin full of perishables.

Counselling is much the same: we can try a few DIY fixes (which would probably be more than you would attempt on your fridge), but the longer the problem is left, the greater it can grow and instead of a dustbin of perishables there may be damaged relationships or self-esteem.  Neither of which can quickly be replaced by a trip to the shops.

Things do not have to be really bad to seek counselling.  Doing so, earlier on, can provide you with coping strategies to better manage the next up-hill, and gain more enjoyment along the way.

Consequence Charts

Following on from last month’s newsletter of the Star Chart, this month takes a look at its cousin: the Consequence Chart.  This should work on a visible removal of an item as opposed to the placing of a ‘black mark’ or similar as this tends to be a permanent visual reminder of when a child was ‘bad’.  Keeping this score can damage self-esteem. 

As with Star Charts, the Consequence Charts are often unsuccessful but for different reasons: Consequence Charts are often incorporated into the existing discipline toolbox when it should be replacing some existing tools, particularly the shouting tool.

The premise, as with the star chart is simple:  there is a set number of stars, pegs, fridge magnets etc. and one is removed when the child does something s/he shouldn’t, or does not do something s/he should.  A warning can be offered before the magnet is removed, but only once. If it becomes a threat that is not followed through, it is no longer effective, which is often the first way in which this system falls.  The magnet is not a bargaining tool.  It is also not to be accompanied by the shouting or lecturing tools: if it is, the child may perceive the parent as being mean as there is a “double punishment”. 

Once all the magnets have been lost, a privilege is lost for that day only (every day starts afresh).   There may well be a melt down at the fact that a privilege (such as TV or playing on the iPad) is unavailable, and this is another area where errors are made: The typical instinct is to launch into a lecture of why the privilege was lost which often results in a greater argument.  Should a melt down occur, it can be ignored; or sympathy can be offered at the fact that the child is sad (no, you are not going against what you are trying to do).    Offering sympathy (“I am sorry you are sad about this”) allows the child to express him/herself and both parent and child can move into a good space quicker, because there is no argument (resist the urge to speak more). 

It is imperative that the child knows beforehand what the do’s and don’ts are.  Remember to be kind to yourself and select a few behaviours to change – as they say, Rome was not built in a day.  

Star Charts

The Star Chart is an age old reward system revered by teachers and often tried by parents, but with very little success.  There are three main challenges to the successful use of a star chart:

The first common reason for its failure is the lack of explanation provided to children.  It doesn’t seem very complex: behave=star, but herein lies the problem.  If children knew how to “behave”, a Star Chart wouldn’t be needed.  “Good behaviour” is far too broad a term for children to cope with; they need specifics.  This leads to the next problem, this time for parents: have you ever sat down and made a list of “good behaviours”?  It is a daunting task, never mind trying to explain that different settings may require modifications of these behaviours.

The final common problem revolves around correct use of the Chart.  Again, it seems very simple: behave=star.  If you have a list of ten behaviours, consider how many times in a day parents would need to be running to the star chart, and I use “running” on purpose because if that star does not go on the chart immediately after the behaviour, the power is lost.  The goal of a Star Chart should not be to get x many stars to get a prize; each star going on that chart should be a mini-reward in itself.  As soon as the focus is on collecting a certain number of stars, the behaviour(s) needed to get there become of second importance.

As simple as this little tool is, it does require a fair amount of thought before it can be implemented.  And as with all things children, there is no one-size-fits-all.

New Year's Irresolution

Whoever started the trend of making new year’s resolution needs a talking to.  Granted, for many the new year comes about at a time of holiday or rest from work, so energy levels might be higher, but the idea that a new year should magically bring some form of vigor that was not previously there is just silly.  And why the need to wait for a new year to make a necessary change?

New year’s resolutions tend to come with a lot of hype, as a profound pledge to friends and family on a day that tends to be surrounded by alcohol.  Hardly the makings of good decision making.  In addition to this, new year’s resolutions are a statement, not a plan.

Changing any behaviour requires work, not simply the will.  As with any task, steps need to be put in place to achieve the goal.  Sometimes these steps are fairly obvious, other times not; sometimes these steps can be done alone, other times the input of others is needed.  Usually it is this last area that is most difficult to organise, not only because other people need to be relied upon, but because confiding in others can be daunting.

If you have already forgotten your new year’s resolution, don’t worry about it. 

If you are feeling overwhelmed by your resolution, some guidance may be needed.

But don’t wait another 340 days.

Advice Etiquette

Advice can lead to some heated arguments despite the good intentions it may have been dispensed with, particularly when it is disguised as an opinion.  When a friend or family member seems to complain about a situation, most people try to ‘fix’ the problem by making suggestions on how to tackle the situation next time it arises.

Sometimes people just need a place to vent, to get something off their chest.  When this is met with advice, whatever sense of calm was gained by venting is abruptly overridden as a perceived lecture ensues.  Unfortunately, people are not great fans of quiet space and offering advice is the quickest way to fill that space.  Advice should only be given when it is asked for, and even then one should consider if one has the knowledge to offer sound advice.

In the advice-givers defence, sometimes it is unclear whether advice or a listening ear is being sought, and it is up to the person seeking the advice or sympathetic ear to make their needs known.  Once the advice has been received, the interaction often ends: the advice seeker leaves feeling better to varying degrees, or at least with further information to ponder on; the advice giver is left feeling mostly ‘consumed’.

Advice can only be given from our own frame of reference and there is usually some trepidation of whether our advice was well received and if it will be used.  As the advice seeker, there is some onus to let the advice giver know – at some point – what decision was made.  Particularly if the advice giver is someone regularly asked as they may feel that there is little point taking the time to consider the problem and offer some advice as it may not even be used in the decision making process.

To avoid good intentions and vulnerabilities turning into debates and arguments, advice givers and seekers must take responsibility for their roles and see the interaction to its end, which may not always be at the end of the conversation.

Accepting an Apology

While an earnest apology takes a minute or two to make, accepting an apology can take a day, a week, a  month – or two.  Or longer.  It will differ, as with all things human, from one person to another and from one situation to another.  Many articles point out that forgiving does not mean forgetting; in a similar light accepting an apology does not equate to everything being forgiven which would suit our sometimes linear thought patterns.

As an apology is an acknowledgement of wrong-doing, accepting the apology is an acknowledgement that the wrong-doer feels remorse.  Phrased this way, it is all about the wrong doer; the wronged has not yet begun the journey toward mending the relationship which the wrong doer is already two steps into.  It is this feeling of being behind in the process that is most difficult to manage.

“I know person is sorry, why can’t I get over it?”

Because there are many emotions to deal with: betrayal, anger that the incident happened in the first place, fear that it will happen again, and even a sense of loss.  We cannot deal with these emotions all at once, and passing one does not mean it will not circle around again at some stage in the process.  Communication, perhaps ironically, is vital, not necessarily about what was done as this often leads to blame, but about what is needed. 

This communication is essential if the parties have different methods of dealing with conflict.  Some personalities require introspection, while others need an immediate conversation.  Pushing one’s own need onto the other will be counterproductive.  If a contemplative, cooling off period is needed, regular phonecalls or texts may draw the process out; if increased trips to the gym are needed, suggesting a lunch date may be viewed as interfering instead of sweet. 

Once all the above emotions have been worked through, the decision to forgive or not can be made.  As stated many times over the years by numerous articles, forgiveness is not synonymous with condoning or forgetting.  Forgiving means wanting to remain in the relationship, albeit with potentially different boundaries.  

Remediating the Effects of ADHD

While it may appear that every second child is being diagnosed with ADHD (a topic for another day perhaps), obtaining that diagnosis can offer a sense of relief.  Of understanding why some tasks have been so difficult.  Of guilt for  applying pressure and placing demands.  Of hope for a better way forward.

Regardless of the treatment option followed, there is an expectation that things will get better.  Sometimes these expectations need to be reined in a bit, but they are there nonetheless.  Often there is some trial and error in getting the treatment just right, and annoyingly once that is achieved something else will crop up and an adjustment will again be required.  At some point though, the (modified) expectations will be met.

But what if they aren’t?  What about those cases where every conceivable recommendation has been followed and the school marks are still not coming up?  Colleagues and bosses are still complaining that tasks are not completed satisfactorily.  It is not an expectation that has been overlooked, rather a history of experiences and habits.

In the case of school age children, the treatment(s) will improve behaviours and concentration moving forward, but there are potentially numerous skills that were missed which are now being built upon.  Even if full attention is given to all classes now, there will be gaps which are likely to result in confusion, not to mention a large amount of frustration at still not being able to succeed.

While the above can be applied to adults in the workplace, there is often the added bad habits that crop up and sabotage matters.  As an example, being organised is a skill we have to learn, one which those with ADHD find immensely difficult.  Just because the ADHD is now being treated does not mean the skill of being organised miraculously happens.

There is an amount of remediation required once treatment has begun.  To replace poor habits with good ones.  To consolidate partially learnt or missed skills which are now being built upon.  To change thought processes.  This is as important as obtaining the diagnosis and finding a suitable course of treatment, because if skipped, the two previous steps may seem pointless.