Consequence Charts

Following on from last month’s newsletter of the Star Chart, this month takes a look at its cousin: the Consequence Chart.  This should work on a visible removal of an item as opposed to the placing of a ‘black mark’ or similar as this tends to be a permanent visual reminder of when a child was ‘bad’.  Keeping this score can damage self-esteem. 

As with Star Charts, the Consequence Charts are often unsuccessful but for different reasons: Consequence Charts are often incorporated into the existing discipline toolbox when it should be replacing some existing tools, particularly the shouting tool.

The premise, as with the star chart is simple:  there is a set number of stars, pegs, fridge magnets etc. and one is removed when the child does something s/he shouldn’t, or does not do something s/he should.  A warning can be offered before the magnet is removed, but only once. If it becomes a threat that is not followed through, it is no longer effective, which is often the first way in which this system falls.  The magnet is not a bargaining tool.  It is also not to be accompanied by the shouting or lecturing tools: if it is, the child may perceive the parent as being mean as there is a “double punishment”. 

Once all the magnets have been lost, a privilege is lost for that day only (every day starts afresh).   There may well be a melt down at the fact that a privilege (such as TV or playing on the iPad) is unavailable, and this is another area where errors are made: The typical instinct is to launch into a lecture of why the privilege was lost which often results in a greater argument.  Should a melt down occur, it can be ignored; or sympathy can be offered at the fact that the child is sad (no, you are not going against what you are trying to do).    Offering sympathy (“I am sorry you are sad about this”) allows the child to express him/herself and both parent and child can move into a good space quicker, because there is no argument (resist the urge to speak more). 

It is imperative that the child knows beforehand what the do’s and don’ts are.  Remember to be kind to yourself and select a few behaviours to change – as they say, Rome was not built in a day.  

Star Charts

The Star Chart is an age old reward system revered by teachers and often tried by parents, but with very little success.  There are three main challenges to the successful use of a star chart:

The first common reason for its failure is the lack of explanation provided to children.  It doesn’t seem very complex: behave=star, but herein lies the problem.  If children knew how to “behave”, a Star Chart wouldn’t be needed.  “Good behaviour” is far too broad a term for children to cope with; they need specifics.  This leads to the next problem, this time for parents: have you ever sat down and made a list of “good behaviours”?  It is a daunting task, never mind trying to explain that different settings may require modifications of these behaviours.

The final common problem revolves around correct use of the Chart.  Again, it seems very simple: behave=star.  If you have a list of ten behaviours, consider how many times in a day parents would need to be running to the star chart, and I use “running” on purpose because if that star does not go on the chart immediately after the behaviour, the power is lost.  The goal of a Star Chart should not be to get x many stars to get a prize; each star going on that chart should be a mini-reward in itself.  As soon as the focus is on collecting a certain number of stars, the behaviour(s) needed to get there become of second importance.

As simple as this little tool is, it does require a fair amount of thought before it can be implemented.  And as with all things children, there is no one-size-fits-all.

New Year's Irresolution

Whoever started the trend of making new year’s resolution needs a talking to.  Granted, for many the new year comes about at a time of holiday or rest from work, so energy levels might be higher, but the idea that a new year should magically bring some form of vigor that was not previously there is just silly.  And why the need to wait for a new year to make a necessary change?

New year’s resolutions tend to come with a lot of hype, as a profound pledge to friends and family on a day that tends to be surrounded by alcohol.  Hardly the makings of good decision making.  In addition to this, new year’s resolutions are a statement, not a plan.

Changing any behaviour requires work, not simply the will.  As with any task, steps need to be put in place to achieve the goal.  Sometimes these steps are fairly obvious, other times not; sometimes these steps can be done alone, other times the input of others is needed.  Usually it is this last area that is most difficult to organise, not only because other people need to be relied upon, but because confiding in others can be daunting.

If you have already forgotten your new year’s resolution, don’t worry about it. 

If you are feeling overwhelmed by your resolution, some guidance may be needed.

But don’t wait another 340 days.

Advice Etiquette

Advice can lead to some heated arguments despite the good intentions it may have been dispensed with, particularly when it is disguised as an opinion.  When a friend or family member seems to complain about a situation, most people try to ‘fix’ the problem by making suggestions on how to tackle the situation next time it arises.

Sometimes people just need a place to vent, to get something off their chest.  When this is met with advice, whatever sense of calm was gained by venting is abruptly overridden as a perceived lecture ensues.  Unfortunately, people are not great fans of quiet space and offering advice is the quickest way to fill that space.  Advice should only be given when it is asked for, and even then one should consider if one has the knowledge to offer sound advice.

In the advice-givers defence, sometimes it is unclear whether advice or a listening ear is being sought, and it is up to the person seeking the advice or sympathetic ear to make their needs known.  Once the advice has been received, the interaction often ends: the advice seeker leaves feeling better to varying degrees, or at least with further information to ponder on; the advice giver is left feeling mostly ‘consumed’.

Advice can only be given from our own frame of reference and there is usually some trepidation of whether our advice was well received and if it will be used.  As the advice seeker, there is some onus to let the advice giver know – at some point – what decision was made.  Particularly if the advice giver is someone regularly asked as they may feel that there is little point taking the time to consider the problem and offer some advice as it may not even be used in the decision making process.

To avoid good intentions and vulnerabilities turning into debates and arguments, advice givers and seekers must take responsibility for their roles and see the interaction to its end, which may not always be at the end of the conversation.

Accepting an Apology

While an earnest apology takes a minute or two to make, accepting an apology can take a day, a week, a  month – or two.  Or longer.  It will differ, as with all things human, from one person to another and from one situation to another.  Many articles point out that forgiving does not mean forgetting; in a similar light accepting an apology does not equate to everything being forgiven which would suit our sometimes linear thought patterns.

As an apology is an acknowledgement of wrong-doing, accepting the apology is an acknowledgement that the wrong-doer feels remorse.  Phrased this way, it is all about the wrong doer; the wronged has not yet begun the journey toward mending the relationship which the wrong doer is already two steps into.  It is this feeling of being behind in the process that is most difficult to manage.

“I know person is sorry, why can’t I get over it?”

Because there are many emotions to deal with: betrayal, anger that the incident happened in the first place, fear that it will happen again, and even a sense of loss.  We cannot deal with these emotions all at once, and passing one does not mean it will not circle around again at some stage in the process.  Communication, perhaps ironically, is vital, not necessarily about what was done as this often leads to blame, but about what is needed. 

This communication is essential if the parties have different methods of dealing with conflict.  Some personalities require introspection, while others need an immediate conversation.  Pushing one’s own need onto the other will be counterproductive.  If a contemplative, cooling off period is needed, regular phonecalls or texts may draw the process out; if increased trips to the gym are needed, suggesting a lunch date may be viewed as interfering instead of sweet. 

Once all the above emotions have been worked through, the decision to forgive or not can be made.  As stated many times over the years by numerous articles, forgiveness is not synonymous with condoning or forgetting.  Forgiving means wanting to remain in the relationship, albeit with potentially different boundaries.  

Remediating the Effects of ADHD

While it may appear that every second child is being diagnosed with ADHD (a topic for another day perhaps), obtaining that diagnosis can offer a sense of relief.  Of understanding why some tasks have been so difficult.  Of guilt for  applying pressure and placing demands.  Of hope for a better way forward.

Regardless of the treatment option followed, there is an expectation that things will get better.  Sometimes these expectations need to be reined in a bit, but they are there nonetheless.  Often there is some trial and error in getting the treatment just right, and annoyingly once that is achieved something else will crop up and an adjustment will again be required.  At some point though, the (modified) expectations will be met.

But what if they aren’t?  What about those cases where every conceivable recommendation has been followed and the school marks are still not coming up?  Colleagues and bosses are still complaining that tasks are not completed satisfactorily.  It is not an expectation that has been overlooked, rather a history of experiences and habits.

In the case of school age children, the treatment(s) will improve behaviours and concentration moving forward, but there are potentially numerous skills that were missed which are now being built upon.  Even if full attention is given to all classes now, there will be gaps which are likely to result in confusion, not to mention a large amount of frustration at still not being able to succeed.

While the above can be applied to adults in the workplace, there is often the added bad habits that crop up and sabotage matters.  As an example, being organised is a skill we have to learn, one which those with ADHD find immensely difficult.  Just because the ADHD is now being treated does not mean the skill of being organised miraculously happens.

There is an amount of remediation required once treatment has begun.  To replace poor habits with good ones.  To consolidate partially learnt or missed skills which are now being built upon.  To change thought processes.  This is as important as obtaining the diagnosis and finding a suitable course of treatment, because if skipped, the two previous steps may seem pointless.

Good Conversations

Of late, there have been a number of articles on various platforms urging one not to use the word “busy” when asked “how are you?”.  The articles express how this one word can ruin friendships and conversations.  Unfortunately, it is true.

This one-word answer is the adult version of the teenager’s “fine”: it offers no substance and often closes conversations which should not be the aim when socialising with friends or family.  The fact of the matter is, everyone in today’s day is busy.  Whether blame be to technology, the expected immediacy of requests, longer working hours, more homework, there is simply more to fill a 24 hour period than there was “back in the day” (whenever that may be for you). 

Even if “busy” is followed by a barrage of supporting statements, chances are whoever you are speaking to was not after the full blown details of your day-to-day existence when asked how you are (which may have been a greeting and not necessarily a true question).  We have become consumed with the whats over the whys and hows: what we are doing should be far less important than why we are doing something and how it makes us feel.  It seems a silly distinction to make but in practice, speaking in whys and hows offers the listener more depth.  Obviously, a casual chat with a stranger does not require such depth, but the individuals close to our hearts certainly do.

As an example, if asked about plans for the weekend a what answer may be “going to a braai”. In comparison a why and how answer may be “spending some long overdue time with an overseas friend at a lunch braai”. Not only does this provide information about how important friendship is, it allows for further questions and generally an easier conversation with fewer awkward pauses. As with any changes, implementing this one will likely be difficult at first and may result in the odd mouth full of teeth situation; but with a little practice the art of the tête-à-tête can be mastered.