Advice Etiquette

Advice can lead to some heated arguments despite the good intentions it may have been dispensed with, particularly when it is disguised as an opinion.  When a friend or family member seems to complain about a situation, most people try to ‘fix’ the problem by making suggestions on how to tackle the situation next time it arises.

Sometimes people just need a place to vent, to get something off their chest.  When this is met with advice, whatever sense of calm was gained by venting is abruptly overridden as a perceived lecture ensues.  Unfortunately, people are not great fans of quiet space and offering advice is the quickest way to fill that space.  Advice should only be given when it is asked for, and even then one should consider if one has the knowledge to offer sound advice.

In the advice-givers defence, sometimes it is unclear whether advice or a listening ear is being sought, and it is up to the person seeking the advice or sympathetic ear to make their needs known.  Once the advice has been received, the interaction often ends: the advice seeker leaves feeling better to varying degrees, or at least with further information to ponder on; the advice giver is left feeling mostly ‘consumed’.

Advice can only be given from our own frame of reference and there is usually some trepidation of whether our advice was well received and if it will be used.  As the advice seeker, there is some onus to let the advice giver know – at some point – what decision was made.  Particularly if the advice giver is someone regularly asked as they may feel that there is little point taking the time to consider the problem and offer some advice as it may not even be used in the decision making process.

To avoid good intentions and vulnerabilities turning into debates and arguments, advice givers and seekers must take responsibility for their roles and see the interaction to its end, which may not always be at the end of the conversation.

Accepting an Apology

While an earnest apology takes a minute or two to make, accepting an apology can take a day, a week, a  month – or two.  Or longer.  It will differ, as with all things human, from one person to another and from one situation to another.  Many articles point out that forgiving does not mean forgetting; in a similar light accepting an apology does not equate to everything being forgiven which would suit our sometimes linear thought patterns.

As an apology is an acknowledgement of wrong-doing, accepting the apology is an acknowledgement that the wrong-doer feels remorse.  Phrased this way, it is all about the wrong doer; the wronged has not yet begun the journey toward mending the relationship which the wrong doer is already two steps into.  It is this feeling of being behind in the process that is most difficult to manage.

“I know person is sorry, why can’t I get over it?”

Because there are many emotions to deal with: betrayal, anger that the incident happened in the first place, fear that it will happen again, and even a sense of loss.  We cannot deal with these emotions all at once, and passing one does not mean it will not circle around again at some stage in the process.  Communication, perhaps ironically, is vital, not necessarily about what was done as this often leads to blame, but about what is needed. 

This communication is essential if the parties have different methods of dealing with conflict.  Some personalities require introspection, while others need an immediate conversation.  Pushing one’s own need onto the other will be counterproductive.  If a contemplative, cooling off period is needed, regular phonecalls or texts may draw the process out; if increased trips to the gym are needed, suggesting a lunch date may be viewed as interfering instead of sweet. 

Once all the above emotions have been worked through, the decision to forgive or not can be made.  As stated many times over the years by numerous articles, forgiveness is not synonymous with condoning or forgetting.  Forgiving means wanting to remain in the relationship, albeit with potentially different boundaries.  

Remediating the Effects of ADHD

While it may appear that every second child is being diagnosed with ADHD (a topic for another day perhaps), obtaining that diagnosis can offer a sense of relief.  Of understanding why some tasks have been so difficult.  Of guilt for  applying pressure and placing demands.  Of hope for a better way forward.

Regardless of the treatment option followed, there is an expectation that things will get better.  Sometimes these expectations need to be reined in a bit, but they are there nonetheless.  Often there is some trial and error in getting the treatment just right, and annoyingly once that is achieved something else will crop up and an adjustment will again be required.  At some point though, the (modified) expectations will be met.

But what if they aren’t?  What about those cases where every conceivable recommendation has been followed and the school marks are still not coming up?  Colleagues and bosses are still complaining that tasks are not completed satisfactorily.  It is not an expectation that has been overlooked, rather a history of experiences and habits.

In the case of school age children, the treatment(s) will improve behaviours and concentration moving forward, but there are potentially numerous skills that were missed which are now being built upon.  Even if full attention is given to all classes now, there will be gaps which are likely to result in confusion, not to mention a large amount of frustration at still not being able to succeed.

While the above can be applied to adults in the workplace, there is often the added bad habits that crop up and sabotage matters.  As an example, being organised is a skill we have to learn, one which those with ADHD find immensely difficult.  Just because the ADHD is now being treated does not mean the skill of being organised miraculously happens.

There is an amount of remediation required once treatment has begun.  To replace poor habits with good ones.  To consolidate partially learnt or missed skills which are now being built upon.  To change thought processes.  This is as important as obtaining the diagnosis and finding a suitable course of treatment, because if skipped, the two previous steps may seem pointless.

Good Conversations

Of late, there have been a number of articles on various platforms urging one not to use the word “busy” when asked “how are you?”.  The articles express how this one word can ruin friendships and conversations.  Unfortunately, it is true.

This one-word answer is the adult version of the teenager’s “fine”: it offers no substance and often closes conversations which should not be the aim when socialising with friends or family.  The fact of the matter is, everyone in today’s day is busy.  Whether blame be to technology, the expected immediacy of requests, longer working hours, more homework, there is simply more to fill a 24 hour period than there was “back in the day” (whenever that may be for you). 

Even if “busy” is followed by a barrage of supporting statements, chances are whoever you are speaking to was not after the full blown details of your day-to-day existence when asked how you are (which may have been a greeting and not necessarily a true question).  We have become consumed with the whats over the whys and hows: what we are doing should be far less important than why we are doing something and how it makes us feel.  It seems a silly distinction to make but in practice, speaking in whys and hows offers the listener more depth.  Obviously, a casual chat with a stranger does not require such depth, but the individuals close to our hearts certainly do.

As an example, if asked about plans for the weekend a what answer may be “going to a braai”. In comparison a why and how answer may be “spending some long overdue time with an overseas friend at a lunch braai”. Not only does this provide information about how important friendship is, it allows for further questions and generally an easier conversation with fewer awkward pauses. As with any changes, implementing this one will likely be difficult at first and may result in the odd mouth full of teeth situation; but with a little practice the art of the tête-à-tête can be mastered.

The Joys of Homework

I came across an article I started in 2011 on homework, and laughed out loud. The article went

I would like to say I understand the concept of homework, but I don't.  Studying for a test, at home, sure; repeating exercises done in class, not so sure.  What tends to happen when children are introduced to a new concept is they understand it at school, however, when reaching home the concept appears foreign. And this is were the trouble begins as children seek out their parents for guidance.  Parents who have not seen this topic for many years; parents who were taught the topic in a different manner; parents who will approach the topic with an adult mind.  Frustration. Tears.

In theory, the homework should be left incomplete; in practice this leads to demerits or some other form of punishment.  Granted "I didn't understand the work" is an easy line to get out of homework but surely there is a better system?

I would like to propose that parents get an estimate from their school of how long homework should take for the specific grade (not studying for tests and completing projects).  Lets add 15 minutes on top of that to account for slower readers, or children who take time to mentally switch between tasks.  Create a homework chart with a time and subject column and have children write down the time they started each piece of homework.  When their school allocated homework time (plus the additional 15 minutes) has been reached, it's pen down. After a 20 minute break it's time to tackle studying or projects.  Better yet, study or do projects beforehand knowing that x time is needed at the end of the day to complete homework. 

This is going to create great stress for some children as they anticipate the trouble they will get into.  However, if they can get past this, it will provide them with a tool with which to support their argument of there being too much homework.

After all, is substantiating a point not a vital skill schools expect from children?

Side notes:

something along the lines of how children should take more responsibility for their homework and included some tips on how to ensure they have the tools to take this responsibility. While the tips are still useful, the rest of the article met my trash bin as the sheer volume of homework has become a great challenge for many families.

• teachers will need to see some attempt at work not understood
• sitting and watching the birds or a TV programme does not count as maths

Being Defensive

Conversations consist of statements and questions and the various reactions to these.  Generally, reactions are easy to anticipate allowing for a comfortable flow.  There are times, however, when a reaction is defensive and unless the parties are involved in a debate, a defensive reaction seems to come out of the blue.  This type of response will often leave many confused, including the person who reacted defensively.

Often blame is assigned to others for being insensitive or naïve when it would be more beneficial to discover the reason behind one’s defensiveness.  An example, that often comes up, is the statement “she doesn’t work” in response to a question around the wife’s occupation.  The wife tends to become very defensive arguing that looking after the children and cleaning the house is indeed work.

The simple reason behind the wife’s reaction may often be a feeling of insufficiency at not contributing financially.  The difficulty comes in (as discussed in the article on Confrontation) in the wife’s definition of work and the statement “she doesn’t work” implying she is lazy. 

The question then is would she want the care of her home and children to be considered a job, the connotation of which is something that she has to do but doesn’t necessarily want to do?  Does she expect some financial remuneration for the job?  If there is no promotion in the foreseeable future, would she want to quit?  These questions may seem silly but they succeed in reorganising the definition of work for this instance. 

A defensive reaction to seemingly simple statements often has more to do with the person being defensive than the other party.  While counselling will uncover the reasons behind such reactions some self-reflection can sometimes achieve the same.

Subject Choice

For our grade 9 children the time to choose subjects has arrived.  In an ideal world, the subjects should be chosen with a career in mind to allow a seamless transition from high school to university to the world of work.

The reality is that frontal lobe development is only complete somewhere in our twenties.  Being the area of the brain responsible for planning, decision making and impulse control it is completely unfair to ask a child of 15 or 16 years to make decisions that have large life implications.  How then do children go about making this important decision?

A very common trend is to take the subjects friends are taking; after all the assumption is they’ll be friends forever and will always like the same things.  As parents – and older beings – we know different but our opinions seem to have little impact on this age group.  Another common trend is to take the subjects one enjoys.  Again, with frontal lobe development still continuing, interests may well change before the end of school making this another unsuitable option.  What then is left?  The subjects one is good at?  Considering we tend to succeed in subjects because we enjoy them, this too is not an ideal solution.

For those families – and it does tend to be a family decision – where the subject choice is unclear, an aptitude test can be the answer.  The results provide an indication of where innate ability lies.  Together with an occupational interest assessment, a broad profile of interest and ability can be determined and where these areas overlap should lie the ideal subjects to take.  Yes, I did say interests may change but by looking at occupational interests over the immediate subject interest we gain insight into greater and varied areas of occupational interest.